I Called it Upper School
I had a dream where I talked to some obscure kid a few years younger than me. I don’t know his name. It took me a while to pick out his face this morning. He had black hair, pale skin, a pointed face, and droopy eyes. I really couldn’t tell you how old he is or anything about him. I can’t imagine how my subconscious picked him out of everyone.
I saw him at the airport. He saw me and I said hi. He said he didn’t recognize me at first and I made a dig at my glasses. He laughed and then we got to hanging out last night with a bunch of other people who I couldn’t place but recognized that I knew them at some point.
If this hand’t been a dream I never would’ve said hi and I never would’ve hung out with them and if I had I wouldn’t have been relaxed or having any fun. That’s probably my way of telling myself that I should be more open to people and doing things with them.
This was all because I saw Abbey Norris and her mom while in line at the grocery store. I don’t know if she saw me. I do wear big glasses now and that throws people. But not people who already know me.
Abbey and I were in school together for 14 years, since the age of 4. We used to be friends, in kindergarten I suppose, when no one has real friends or enemies or clicks. You’re all just one big group. But she’s extraordinarily rich and became very popular and I didn’t know or care until it was too late for me to try and be in that sort of group. I never had any problems with her. We didn’t interact much, but when we did she was nice. Nice. Crappy word. But it’s what I use to describe decent people who never bothered me.
She’s beach blonde and living out a popular dream, or so I imagine. I could’ve waved and said hi, but what’s the point? Were we going to stand there and catch up, and talk more than we had in four years of high school? Some people might prefer that option. Me, I say what’s the point. So I shifted out of view and watched them walk past.
I think everyone still cares just a little bit about their social standing in high school. It defines you, whether you were popular or not. Whether you wanted to have it all or wanted to make it seem like you had it all. That stays with you, even when you grow out of that shell.
And as I turned away from fourteen years of incredibly threadbare past, I realized once again that this break is a turning point for me. All that time here matters in retrospect, but going forward, it doesn’t matter at all. I just don’t care about those people anymore. I don’t care enough to make that small effort of saying hi and chatting about school for 60 seconds. That huge part of my life isn’t a factor anymore. It only took me a year and a half to come to that.
